the best bade fanfic in the world
by KelsIsVictorious
Summary: your mind will be blow by the awesomeness of this fic. / or the world's worst beck&jade fanfic.


Jade was sad.

She was not just her usual pessimistic, dark, pain-loving self. She was a different Jade.

A totes emo Jade.

Why was Jade totes emo, you ask?

Cuz Tori Vega kissed her boyfriend like a year ago, which makes her the biggest whore on Earth, that's why, you dumbass.

Even though Tori is obviously in love with that black guy that keeps showing up in these things whenever Tori needs to be paired up with someone, Jade thinks she's in love with Beck. And Beck obviously feels the same way, fo sho.

Because that's how these things generally work out.

"Jade, whatever is wrong, my darling?" The very handsome Beck asked as he sat down next to her after appearing out of nowhere.

Oh, they're in the rec room, btw. I guess I probably should have mentioned that earlier. lawl.

"You love Whori Vega, that's what's wrong, you bastard ass son of a bitch tits!" Jade screeched.

"There's no need for such language," Beck told her, covering his virgin ears so he wouldn't have to hear her naughty language.

"I'm Jade f***ing West! I'm tough as hell, so that means I swear a shitload!"

"... Then why did f*** get censored?"

"I'm so badass, I randomly censor words just to piss off the readers!"

"Please tell me what is bothering you, my sweet, sweet flower," Beck pleaded, gently taking her hands in his. "Seeing you so angered is killing me inside. Even though you're angry all the time... So it's like I'm constantly killing myself..." He paused and stood to leave. "Dude, that would make a great fanfic... Give me three minutes in the computer lab and I'll be right back."

Before he could even get to the exit so he could write his fanfic that would be nowhere near as awesome as this one, Jade threw herself at Beck and started sobbing instantly. "Don't leave meeeee! I'm nothing without yoooou!" She sniffled, like, a million times and whimpered, "I know I seem like a strong, confident woman who can take care of herself and doesn't need a man to have any self worth, but I'm really as needy and useless as that chick in those awesome vampire books about vampires or something. I don't know, I've never actually read them. But I saw the trailer for the movie and the girl looked totes emo, just like me."

Beck was, like, way shocked by this. Because he's a total idiot in these things even though he's supposed to be a somewhat sensible guy. But hey, boys are stupid, right?

"Jade, I would never leave you," Beck told her, hugging her tightly. "I love you more than anything in the world. You're the air I breathe, you're what makes my heart beat, and some other cliché I can't think of right now."

"Oh, Beck, do you really mean that?" Jade faintly asked, because she's the most sensitive, delicate person on the whole damn show.

"Of course I do, my little schmoopy woopy face," Beck gently told her, because he's the most sensitive, caring boy in the WHOLE DAMN WORLD.

"So you're not totes in love with that slut face slut Vega slut?"

"Who?"

"You know... The main character of the show."

"I thought we were the main characters."

Jade shrugged. "Most everybody wants us to be. Because we're FRIGGIN' AWESOME."

"Yes." Beck nodded, all serious like. "Yes, we are."

And then they kissed and it was super mega kaaawwaaaaiiiiiii. Fo sho.

Jade pulled away and calmly said, "I'm a teenage girl, so I'm waaaaay horny. You wanna do it?"

Beck looked shocked, even though he should be used to Jade's horniness by now because she's a total whore. But don't tell her I said that. "You want to have sex on school grounds? Couldn't we get expelled for that or something?"

"DUDE SHUT UP JADE WEST IS BADASS AND DOESN'T CARE IF SHE GETS IN TROUBLE BECAUSE I AM BADASS AND ALSO VERY HORNY AND BADASS AND SCREAM IN ALL CAPS SO LET'S DO IT OR ELSE I WILL TALK LIKE THIS FOR THE REST OF THE FIC."

Beck didn't seem at all affected by her screaming. Because she yells at him all the time, because she loves him soooooo much. "Shouldn't we be in class? I mean, we've been in here for about two class periods. Won't we get in trouble?"

"Dude, I poured coffee on a girl's head in the middle of class and didn't get reprimanded for it at all. I think the rules are pretty 'laxed here."

And then Beck put his peepee in Jade's vajayjay and it was totally sexy and stuff.

I should probably rate this fanfic mature by this point, but I won't. Because lots of kids have sex nowadays. Like Beck and Jade. Because everybody knows that you can only show love to your significant other with your reproductive organs.

"That was the best fourteen seconds of my life," Beck panted after he zipped his pants back up. He was exhausted from all that sex because he is the best lover ever.

Jade put her pants back on and said, "Ditto." Sure, her whole freaking world was rocked and she probably won't be able to walk properly for days, weeks even, but she wasn't going to show it. Because Jade West doesn't show her emotions even though she spent half this fic mood swinging more than Cat when she doesn't take her special medicine.

"Is there room for some kind of plot?" Beck asked her.

Jade shook her head. "I don't think so. This has to be under a thousand words because our readers start losing interest after we have totally sexy sex. So let's end it now with you saying you love me."

"I love you, Jadelyn August West."

"... By the way, I'm pregnant."

And then Beck totes fainted because damn, he didn't see that one coming.

**the end. fo sho.**

* * *

><p>dude this is horrible.<p>

even for a fic that's supposed to be horrible.

i hope i didn't offend anyone with this. i'm responsible for most of these clichés too. and i still love bade. there are a lot of amazing bade fics. this is just a little something to summarize some of the very, very few no so great fics.

feel free to verbally abuse me in the reviews. oh wait, i'm supposed to say PLEASE LEAVE NICE REVEWS THIS IS MY FIRST FIC AND MY FIRST TIME WRITING SO PLEASE DON'T BE MEAN OR LEAVE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM OR DO ANYTHING BUT TELL ME HOW GREAT IT WAS!

so yeah.


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